The BEST musician jokes! Feel free to add yours...



The BEST musician jokes! Feel free to add yours...

Postby KeyPlayer » Fri Jan 02, 2015 2:33 pm

The first one is my all-time favorite (hey Dan! LOL)...

Q: What should you do if there's a drummer running around in your yard screaming and bleeding?
A: Stop laughing and shoot again!

Q: How do you get a drummer off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: Why is the lead singer still at your door?
A: He can't find the key and he's never sure when to come in.

Q: How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
A: The knocking keeps speeding up and slowing down.

Q: What's the difference between a jazz guitarist and a rock guitarist?
A: A jazz guitarist plays 10,000 chords in front of 3 people. A rock guitarist plays 3 chords in front of 10,000 people.

Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and another to watch and say "Pshhh... I could do that."

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the drums but doesn't.

Q: Why do drummers have 1/2 ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace themselves in the parade.

Q: What does a bass player use for birth control?
A: His personality.

Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I, V, I, V, I

Q: What do you get if you leave a banjo in an unlocked car?
A: Two banjos.

Q: What's the difference between a bass and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline.

Q: Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?
A: Even a virus has some pride.

Q: What do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft?
A: A flat miner.
(I heard the military took over the mines. Now you get a flat major.)

Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: What do you do when someone can't play music?
A: Give them two sticks and put them on drums.

Q: What do you do when they can't play drums?
A: Take away one of the sticks and put them up front.

Q: What do you say to a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "Would the defendant please rise?"

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once.

Q: What's the worst part about playing a B.C. Rich guitar?
A: Having to tell your parents that you're gay.

Q: How do you know if someone has a (insert fancy guitar brand)?
A: Talk to them for 3 minutes, they'll tell you.

Q: Why does the guitarist keep drumsticks on his dashboard?
A: So he can park in the handicapped parking spot

Q: What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.

Q: How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?
A: Put sheet music in front of him.

Q: What do you do if your guitarist is drowning?
A: Plug his amp in and throw it down to him.

Q: What do an electric guitar and a vacuum cleaner have in common?
A: They both suck when you plug them in.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead drummer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: How can you tell if the stage you're playing on is level?
A: The drummer is drooling out of BOTH sides of his mouth.

Q: What do you throw a drowning drummer?
A: His ride cymbal.

Q. What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A. "Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..."

What's the difference between a pizza and a jazz musician?
A pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: Whats the difference between an onion and a viola?
A: No one cries when you cut a viola.

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
A: Night manager at McDonalds.

Q: Why are a pianist's fingers like lightning?
A: Because they rarely strike the same place twice.

Q: Why was the piano invented?
A: So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

Q: What is Vibrato?
A: A technique used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

Q: Why do you always bury a vocalist three feet under?
A: Because deep down they are all very nice people.

Q. If a drummer and a bass guitarist caught a cab, which one would be the musician?
A. The cab driver.

A guy walks into a shop.
"You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gibson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agency."

Then there's the one about three guys waiting in line at the pearly gates. St. Peter is asking each applicant what he did on earth. The first guy says "I'm a doctor." St. Peter says "You're in." The next guy says "I'm a stockbroker." St. Peter says "This way, please." The third guy says "I'm a musician." St. Peter says "You'll have to go around to the back, in at the loading dock, up the freight elevator and through the kitchen..."

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who can play 5 musical instruments?
A: Stump the band.

Two women are walking through the woods when suddenly they hear a voice say, "Ladies! Ladies!" They look around but don't see anyone. Then they hear it again. "Ladies! Ladies! Down here!" They look down and see a small pond with a frog sitting on a lily pad.
"Is that you?" one of the ladies asks the frog.
"Yes," is the frog's reply.
The two women are in shock. "How can you talk to us?" They ask. "You're a frog."
"I got turned into a frog by a wicked witch," explains the frog. "I'm really a fantastic jazz saxophone player."
"Really?" say the women. "Is that true?"
"Yes," answers the frog, "and all it will take is one kiss from either of you, and I will immediately change back into a fantastic jazz saxophone player."
Right away, one of the women gets down on her knees, reaches across the pond to the lily pad and gently picks up the frog. She stands up and quickly puts the frog in her pocket and starts to walk away.
Her startled friend says, "Hey, wait a minute! Where are you going? He said that if you kiss him, he'll turn into a fantastic jazz saxophone player!"
"What are you, crazy?" says the other woman. "I can make a lot more money with a talking frog than I can with a fantastic jazz saxophone player."
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"Without music to decorate it, time is just a bunch of boring production deadlines or dates by which bills must be paid." --Frank Zappa
KeyPlayer

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